Saturday, May 22, 2010

Still beside his bed...

Tonight I want to post about the non-eventful day Mason had. I want to post about the fun he had seeing the therapy dog. And how relieved everyone was when our little crew were huddled in one little bitty hospital room (you can see the itty-bitty pics from my phone above!) loving on Mason and each other together.

But tonight, just as Wade was preparing to head home for the night, Mason's oxygen saturation levels began to drop. Not horribly but definitely lower than they had been all day and definitely lower than we want them. And so, our very-on-the-ball-nurse (she's amazing) opted to place an oxygen mask on the pillow by his head blowing just a little bit of oxygen. Mason's numbers increased immediately.

Now, that probably sounds fairly benign to you. It should. It was really a small problem with an easy fix. But, I lost it. I excused myself to the restroom. I came back thinking I was together and promptly fell apart in the hospital room in front of the nurse and Wade and thankfully a sleeping Mason.

See, last year, when Benjamin had surgery (a totally different surgery!), he did fine on Saturday and then his oxygen saturation levels began decreasing until on Sunday he was being rushed to the PICU with nurses running, screaming and working on him. It is a memory I do not want to relive. Ever. And suddenly, I felt like we were back. There. And I lost it.

Once I had cried into my husband's shirt. Once I had stopped to breathe, pray and think it through. I am calm and I knew where to turn for peace.

So, I opened my Bible and my quiet time book -- Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for his Highest"....only to find this:

John 17:21: "...that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us..."

Mr. Chambers follows the scripture by saying that "God is not concerned about our plans; He does not say -- Do you want to go through this upset? He allows these things for HIS own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, nobler men and women; or they are making us more captious and fault-finding, more insistent upon our own way. If we say, 'Thy will be done' we get the consolation of John 17:21."

Oh. Speaking to me?

I looked up "captious" by the means to "make much of trivial defects." Oh. Again.

So, in Carol-speak (with apologies to Mr. Chambers if I totally blew what he meant), when trials come we can lay down our will for God's and the reward will be experiencing oneness with him. OR we can whine, moan and demand our way and that "reward" is that we become nit-picking, bitter, mean people.

I don't know about you, but I am laying down my will. Right now.

The ultimate blessing is oneness with God, friends. That's all that really matters.


The Giraffe Head Tree said...

You are so strong, Carol, personally, emotionally and spiritually. You are my mentor. Prayers remaining strong for Mason and the rest of your family. Love you.

Kristin said...

Hang in there girlfriend. I have had Katelyn in the hospital twice last year with Asthma and some serious oxygen problems too. I know the feeling of panic and fear of the unknown and the "can I do anything to make this better?" conversation. Really this is when God wants us to focus on trusting Him. I would often imagine myself curled up on His lap crying on His shoulder when words just couldn't express the ache in my heart. He WILL give you the strength you need, He IS there for you, TRUST and PRAY. We are praying for improvement too.