Lessons learned in Room 8 thousand and something....

My kiddo is sleeping again. Our pattern today has been sit up in his chair for one to two hours and then sleep for three hours straight. The work of sitting up with this new straight back as it learns to do its thing is painful and exhausting.

On the rooftop garden...

And my dear, charming boy has felt the pain eating away at his ability -- or desire -- to be nice. Dad was working today. His siblings at home holding down the fort. And he is far too polite to be rude to strangers. So it was me that caught the zingers he needed to throw -- apparently we should have asked him before allowing the surgery and he should not be forced to sit up and work to recover at my pace but his own, the whole thing is not fair, you get the point.

On the roof with Uncle Len and Stephanie and his sibs!

When he was out of his chair and laying down in the bed, comfortable again at last, my dear son was apologetic and loving. And I was full of assurance that I understand pain can make us say hard things.

Deep sigh.

But my over-exhausted feelings were a bit hurt. And as a result I wanted to yell or scream or at least speak harshly that I have been sleepless in this hospital taking care of him for DAYS! But instead, I felt a whisper in my spirit: "Doesn't this seem familiar to you?"

It almost took my breath away.

Oh friends, I have been full of zingers. Full of accusations thrown at God as if He abandoned me in this long wait for Benjamin's spinal surgery. I have cried out to him. I have accused him of leaving me. I have felt the despair of one without the close personal relationship with God that I KNOW I have....because I was mad.

I was mad at God because my heart hurt. Mad because I knew the surgery would cause pain, the recovery would be rough and the affect on my family scarring.

Even though, I am blessed beyond measure. Even though God is the giver of all my good and perfect gifts -- my marriage, my amazing children, our friends and family. I accused him anyway -- with absolute disregard for all He has done for me.

Did you catch that? I accused with complete disregard for all my blessings.

Just like my hurting, exhausted, anxious boy accused me today.

Oh yes, it seems familiar.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy..." Psalms 22:1-3a

View from the PCH rooftop garden.

Thankfully, the prompting of the Holy Spirit held my tongue. In humility, I was able to hear the next round of zingers and as I endured them I was able to hug Benjamin, massaging the pain in his back that is prompting all of this and show him the love that God so graciously offers me daily in spite of myself.

The road to recovery will be bumpy. No doubt there will be more anger, accusations and hurt feelings. I will have to push him to do the hard things. He will have to zing me for release. And we might have to cry in the midst.

But I will hold him tight. I will cheer him through this recovery -- I will be his anchor by the grace of God. And I will thankfully rejoice that Hebrews 6:19-20 says:

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf..."

Amen. And Amen.

Specific prayers for tonight and tomorrow: 1. Sleep.  Pray tonight will be less pain-filled than last night and Benjamin will rest. 2. If all goes according to plan, they will send us home tomorrow. Pray pray pray that happens, please! 3. The skin reaction persists...pray that nothing further comes of it.  Have I thanked you for being such evidence of the steadfast anchor of Jesus?? Thank you!