Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Lessons learned in Room 8 thousand and something....

My kiddo is sleeping again. Our pattern today has been sit up in his chair for one to two hours and then sleep for three hours straight. The work of sitting up with this new straight back as it learns to do its thing is painful and exhausting.


On the rooftop garden...

And my dear, charming boy has felt the pain eating away at his ability -- or desire -- to be nice. Dad was working today. His siblings at home holding down the fort. And he is far too polite to be rude to strangers. So it was me that caught the zingers he needed to throw -- apparently we should have asked him before allowing the surgery and he should not be forced to sit up and work to recover at my pace but his own, the whole thing is not fair, you get the point.



On the roof with Uncle Len and Stephanie and his sibs!
When he was out of his chair and laying down in the bed, comfortable again at last, my dear son was apologetic and loving. And I was full of assurance that I understand pain can make us say hard things.

Deep sigh.

But my over-exhausted feelings were a bit hurt. And as a result I wanted to yell or scream or at least speak harshly that I have been sleepless in this hospital taking care of him for DAYS! But instead, I felt a whisper in my spirit: "Doesn't this seem familiar to you?"

It almost took my breath away.







Oh friends, I have been full of zingers. Full of accusations thrown at God as if He abandoned me in this long wait for Benjamin's spinal surgery. I have cried out to him. I have accused him of leaving me. I have felt the despair of one without the close personal relationship with God that I KNOW I have....because I was mad.

I was mad at God because my heart hurt. Mad because I knew the surgery would cause pain, the recovery would be rough and the affect on my family scarring.

Even though, I am blessed beyond measure. Even though God is the giver of all my good and perfect gifts -- my marriage, my amazing children, our friends and family. I accused him anyway -- with absolute disregard for all He has done for me.

Did you catch that? I accused with complete disregard for all my blessings.

Just like my hurting, exhausted, anxious boy accused me today.

Oh yes, it seems familiar.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy..." Psalms 22:1-3a



View from the PCH rooftop garden.


Thankfully, the prompting of the Holy Spirit held my tongue. In humility, I was able to hear the next round of zingers and as I endured them I was able to hug Benjamin, massaging the pain in his back that is prompting all of this and show him the love that God so graciously offers me daily in spite of myself.

The road to recovery will be bumpy. No doubt there will be more anger, accusations and hurt feelings. I will have to push him to do the hard things. He will have to zing me for release. And we might have to cry in the midst.

But I will hold him tight. I will cheer him through this recovery -- I will be his anchor by the grace of God. And I will thankfully rejoice that Hebrews 6:19-20 says:

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf..."

Amen. And Amen.

Specific prayers for tonight and tomorrow: 1. Sleep.  Pray tonight will be less pain-filled than last night and Benjamin will rest. 2. If all goes according to plan, they will send us home tomorrow. Pray pray pray that happens, please! 3. The skin reaction persists...pray that nothing further comes of it.  Have I thanked you for being such evidence of the steadfast anchor of Jesus?? Thank you!

13 comments:

Hoekzema said...

Praying every day gets easier for you Benjamin. From a nurse perspective to you, please get mad at us. Tell us how YOU are feeling. We want to support you and help you and the zingers are meant for us. It's okay to let us know that. Sleep well tonight!

Brooke Zimmermann said...

Praying. Praying..lord give my friend a peaceful sleep and an ability to be calm in the midst of fear and the unknown. Give her what she needs to be there for her sweet boy. Give her super hero powers.
Amen.
sending my love and prayers each day.

Brooke Zimmermann said...

Praying. Praying..lord give my friend a peaceful sleep and an ability to be calm in the midst of fear and the unknown. Give her what she needs to be there for her sweet boy. Give her super hero powers.
Amen.
sending my love and prayers each day.

charla said...

Oh, sweet, sweet Carol. Been there, done that, cried into the shirt. I have so many posts of my own in my head about the exhaustion and unfairness of it all. Thanks for actually getting yours down and out here for us all.

Always a Southern Girl said...

Carol I am praying for you and Benjamin! God's got this!.

Always a Southern Girl said...

Carol I am praying for you and Benjamin! God's got this!.

GwM Joy said...

Oh Carol, thank you for your transparency in this journey and for declaring God's favor in spite of the pain. You are truly a sister of my heart ... may Jesus strengthen and keep your heart and mind steadfast on Him and may He be the lifter of your head and heart when it wants to sag. Hugs

journeyingwithhim said...

I just lifted you and your family up in prayer. Lots of love, Sarah

Donna Schultz said...

What a beautiful truth. I wonder how many times I have taken God's breath away. In spite of us, He continues to give us grace so that we, in turn, can give grace to those we love.

elissa said...

Praying that you guys will turn the corner soon; Strength in abundance; and the grace to weather the storm.

And make sure he knows the world (ok, just people way far away in Ohio) are praying!

AZ Chapman said...

hang in there ben

andre pizon said...

We are in prayer. God bless you

andre pizon said...

We are in prayer. God bless you