Thursday, July 14, 2011

Always waiting...

Being a special needs family has many facets. Many. Honestly, I prefer to celebrate the blessings and down-play the negatives. Some probably call that denial on my part. Others call me "Pollyanna-ish". I don't mind either description. My job is to cope and teach my children to cope -- no more than that, my job is to teach my children to thrive and overcome!

But some days, my Pollyanna-mask slips right off. My attitude suffers and I stay near tears all day. 

Yesterday was one of those days.

A few months ago, Mason had a routine doctor's appointment. One of those that should have been fairly benign with no real surprises. Except there was a surprise and we are still unraveling what it means.

Yesterday, we met with a specialist who offered few answers but ordered tests to seek answers. But in the course of the appointment, he asked questions about Mason's premature birth -- and the in-charge Mommy evaporated right there in that office, my eyes filled with tears and I struggled to hide my loss-of-composure.

All I know if that for 14 years I have sat in doctor's offices delving into the early arrival of my trio and analyzing every issue they have ever experienced under the light of their three-month-too-early birth. It gets to me. It does. I feel responsible. I feel to blame. I feel...

like I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Like there is always some new area that my body's inability to carry these precious children to term has affected them. It makes me want to scream. Loudly.

But if I have learned anything in 14 years, it is that my pity party does not help anyone. I cling to the scriptures:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

Because God KNEW my body's limitations -- and had a plan! Because God knows Benjamin & Mason's (and Claire and Cate's for that matter) bodies and limitations -- AND HAS A PLAN.

So even if another shoe drops -- I rest in the assurance that God is in control. And that is where the true blessing lies.