Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Teacups and the knower of my heart.

My Monday started beautifully -- I had been to the gym; everyone was up and ready for school before 8; and wonder of wonders, dinner was simmering in the crock pot. I felt kind of like Cate on our favorite tea cup ride: 

And then the microwave failed to heat the oatmeal. Completely dead.

And then I spent twenty minutes of our pre-calculus lecture trying to get the graphing calculator to quit giving me an error message.

And then the kids showed me that ants had taken over dear Pluto's dog food in the garage.

And all of a sudden my Monday went from bliss to this:

Oh, part of me hopes you know exactly what I mean while I also hope you DON'T have a clue...I would not wish that Monday on anybody. Not even one of you.

Gratefully, my day ended with a Beth Moore study on David. As Beth walked us through the anointing of David, she emphasized that in 1 Samuel 16:7, God urged Samuel not to look on the outward appearance because he (God) looks on the heart.  I love this verse and felt like I had a good grasp on its meaning right up until Beth pointed out that the actual translation means that God is a knower of the heart. God knows our hearts.

And then she said this: whatever situation we are in, we have what it takes to handle it because God KNOWS our heart.

Can ya'll sit down on that for a minute?

Almost as soon as we discovered that both my boys have Cerebral Palsy people began to say to me that we must be strong because God wouldn't give us more than we can handle. I desperately wanted that to be true and searched the scriptures to find proof of just that. What I found in my search is that God will not tempt us more than He can handle for us. And that through Jesus we can handle anything.

But honestly, ya'll, I wasn't sure that was the same thing. Cause whatever those people thought they saw on the outside, I knew the inside. I was a bumbling mess. I was weak and ignorant of things that seemed vitally important to walking this road.  I did not come into this parenting with any special skills that might help them -- I had no physical therapy training, or occupational therapy training. I didn't have an accessible house or even a clue about wheelchair options, gait trainers or parking decals. The learning curve for me was steep -- and continues to climb.

I am completely inadequate. I am completely weak. I am completely lost most of the time.

And yet, yesterday, after a crazy Monday that had left my head reeling, God reminded me that while all of that is absolutely true, he doesn't look at me like the world looks at me....He looks at my heart. And for some inexplicable reason -- some reason that I will never fully grasp -- He found me worthy to mother Benjamin, Mason, Claire and Cate. He knows my heart and knows that I can handle it.

Deep deep sigh. Bring on the teacups -- I serve a God that knows my heart and promises to help me handle what ever spins my way.