Friday, October 28, 2011

Processing.

This has been one of those weeks where it isn't safe for me to be out in public. Maybe you don't have those days weeks but oh goodness, I do. At any given moment this week, I could have a) burst into tears -- and not gentle-coursing-down-my-cheeks-daintily-tears but rather convulsing, sobbing, ugly tears; or b) started screaming at the nearest person for absolutely no fault of their own; or c) both within a few seconds of each other. It hasn't been pretty.


Waiting for appointments...




The explosion of emotions had been building since April. And this week I simply felt like a volcano that simply had to spew.


My boys have Cerebral Palsy. Yes. And man, we have some stuff that we face as a family because of that. But this, this, has been different. It wasn't the usual bone issues, spasticity issues, spine issues....it all started with a skin reaction and a visit to the dermatologist in April. The nurse mentioned that Mason's blood pressure was high. We went back for a follow-up derm visit in May and it was still high. We went straight to the pediatrician and all manner of chaos has ensued.


The reading in the dermatologist office was apparently accurate so we began some tests. The first -- a 24-hour blood pressure monitor -- showed that this kiddo has a strange pattern of high blood pressure and he would need to be medicated but also further tests were required.


More waiting...




The doctor scheduled an echo cardiogram to make sure no damage had been already done to his heart by this strange blood pressure issue. And the echo showed no damage -- Praise the Lord -- but DID reveal a small hole in his heart.


We were frozen. We called the cardiologist and began researching and tried desperately not to panic. For now, the cardiologist is not worried about the hole and we were able to proceed with the further tests about the blood pressure.


The next thing was a sleep study to see if sleep apnea might be causing his unusual blood pressure pattern. The sleep study showed no sleep apnea -- again, praise the Lord -- BUT did show that he is possibly going into A-Fib at times during the night.


Again, we were frozen. Ok, that isn't quite true....that was Monday that we discovered this and frozen would have been preferable to the explosion of emotions I described above that I have been dealing with all week.


So, today, Mason is wearing a heart monitor. We will check his rhythms for 24-hours and go from there. This brave boy was supposed to have outpatient surgery on Monday to remove the hardware from his big orthopedic surgery last summer...that has been postponed until Dec. 12 when we will hopefully have this resolved.






Last weekend, the kids and I were at a restaurant -- just the five of us. When it was time to pay our bill, the server informed us it had been taken care of by someone in the restaurant. This is the second time this has happened to us in this SAME restaurant and I was floored. I sat there feeling very grateful and a bit astounded and frankly, wondering why.


Then we got up to leave and I had this glimpse of the sight we must make...my precious four, one with crutches, one with a wheelchair, one with her tutu on and one just lovely....and I smiled. So often, we forget that we are a "special" family. The kids and I talked about it all the way home.


But this week, it has been loud and clear that we are different. And I have not been happy. I've been wallowing, frankly, in self-pity and anger, and an assortment of all manner of unbecoming emotions.


But today has dawned new, fresh and with an opportunity to improve my attitude. And the memory of a verse echoing in my head:


"Those who are righteous will be long remembered. They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly." Psalm 112:6-8 (NLT)


So though we have no answers yet -- and frankly may not for a while -- I am ready to greet today. I won't need a warning sign out in public today. My children can rise trusting that I won't snap their heads off. I will be confident and fearless today (ok...I'm still working on the fearless part) trusting in the Lord to take care of tomorrow.


Adversity is hard, my friends. But resting in the assurance of triumph is a blessing like no other!

6 comments:

GreenGirl said...

Very well explained. We are trying to wait and trust along with you. Love you all.

Judy said...

I understand those unstable emotions when the unexpected rears its head. It was just three years ago Cody was 68 pounds, dusky and in the hospital all the time. It takes the wind out of your sails and the lock off of your mental health when you start hearing things being discussed. You have quoted a great verse and I will pray diligently thatGod will gi e the physician the vision and knowledge to identify what your son needs. Xo call anytime. I am great at uncontrolled emotions ;-)

Judy said...

On a second note, you blessed my husband with your verse. He just had surgery which corrected only a part of his problem. He has been angry and discouraged. You gave him great encouragement! Thank you.

Jody said...

I am Judy's sister-in-law finding your blog through hers. I really don't have any words of wisdom but God does but it sounds like you already know that. Press on one step at a time. What priceless treasures you have int this family God has trusted you with.

Chica said...

wow ur article is such a blessing! i love your family and coming across ur blog was just awesome. keep pressing on and the blessing will keep coming. weeping may last for the night only....

Chica said...

wow ur article is such a blessing! i love your family and coming across ur blog was just awesome. keep pressing on and the blessing will keep coming. weeping may last for the night only....