Trying to will things to be faster.

I have the weirdest memories of trying to help the car go faster as a little girl by rocking forward as if my body could add to the momentum. I remember trying to use my arms to "swim" hoping that would help us go faster. I have no idea where we were going or even why I was in a hurry. I can't remember that to save my life.  But I remember trying to make the car go faster -- as if my sheer will could accomplish such a thing.

When the triplets were little, we often had early morning appointments for therapies. And well, that triplet part meant that we often did not get out the door quite as early as we should have. So for as long as I have been their mother, we have a running gag where I pretend to be on a megaphone insisting everyone clear a path for us to get to our destination on time. 

Benjamin and I were interviewed this morning about the availability of the Covid Vaccine for people with disabilities. It was cathartic as we expressed our angst that we STILL aren't to the category that would enable Benjamin and Mason to get their shot of hope. Even in the catharsis though, I realized I am just so desperate to protect them, I am trying to change the rate of momentum, I am shouting with my imaginary megaphone for anyone who can hear me. I am trying to get them to their time for vaccination with my sheer will.

We have had our wagons circled around Benjamin and Mason for months. We have isolated. We haven't been to the grocery store. We have so limited going to any large store that we are in desperate need of a Costco run, and I am an expert at navigating the Home Depot and Lowe's websites for curbside pick-up. 

Wade has quarantined for weeks from us whenever he has to care for at-risk patients.

Cate has started high school with a complete inability to gather with her peers outside of school. 

We haven't seen Claire in a month because she wants to ensure she is not bringing anything here from her classmate interactions.

All to keep Benjamin and Mason healthy.

And Benjamin and Mason? Well, they have left the house maybe three times since last March. And only once or twice did those leavings allow them to get out of the van. Mainly, they have ridden somewhere and back home again.

And here's the thing: I knew my screaming in the pretend megaphone once upon a time, was not REALLY going to get us to our destination any faster. But I also knew that the ridiculousness of it would distract my crew from the stress of our running late and alleviate the tension.

Today, the reporter asked what we wanted our legislators to do differently in distributing the vaccine. And the question stumped us both for a second. 

We want to feel valued as part of the population. We want to be seen and not just pushed to the back of the line. We want to be vaccinated in a prompt manner.

But we also acknowledge the volume of vaccines available has just not been enough to meet the demand. 

Rest assured, we are hoping and praying -- and screaming into our pretend (and not so pretend) megaphones for that to change.